Lover
You’re not here anymore
You’re not here when I wake-up in the morning
You’re not here when I go to sleep at night
You’re not here to talk to, about my day, about my life
I loved you with all my heart but you tore it apart
You said good-by and I don’t know why
And all I’m left with is bittersweet memories of a time gone-by
You’re not here anymore
You’re not here when I wake-up in the morning
You’re not here when I go to sleep at night
You’re not here to talk to, about my day, about my life
I loved you with all my heart but you tore it apart
You said good-by and I don’t know why
And all I’m left with is bittersweet memories of a time gone-by
I wrote this poem several years ago. I showed it to a few people and some have suggested that I not repeat so much (the first three words in the first four lines.) I seem to like it the way it is because that is the way it came out of me. Here's what it looks like without repeating those three words.
Lover
You’re not here anymore
when I wake-up in the morning
when I go to sleep at night
to talk to, about my day, about my life
I loved you with all my heart but you tore it apart
You said good-by and I don’t know why
And all I’m left with is bittersweet memories of a time gone-by
You’re not here anymore
when I wake-up in the morning
when I go to sleep at night
to talk to, about my day, about my life
I loved you with all my heart but you tore it apart
You said good-by and I don’t know why
And all I’m left with is bittersweet memories of a time gone-by
So, what's the verdit? Repeat or not repeat that is the question. I do have to confess, now that I see it on the page I like it that way also. What's your opinion?
2 comments:
Thank you, I thought so too but wasn't sure.
Your critics are right in my "I'm not an expert" opinion. But that doesn't mean you should change the words that you have written. It is very hard to recapture the feeling that you had at the time of conception. And poetry is just as much about feeling as anything else.
Much better to take their advice onboard and try to apply it the next time you feel the need to express your thoughts.
Hope this helps.
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